DOOSH, DOOSH, DOOSH
My girlfriend broke up with me last month. She said I play too much basketball… I’m still kind of sad about it, but what can I do? It’s my passion.
It all started at the 7/11 by my mom’s house. She let me borrow her Camry for the weekend. I had some time to kill while the tank filled with gas, so I started dribbling outside, passing the ball back and forth between my legs. It was awesome until suddenly I saw a dude pull out a gun and start robbing the place. People were screaming and running everywhere.
I dribble my way over there because you’d never catch me traveling and I swing open the door. He turns around. I throw the ball at his face before he can even react. DOOSH. I catch it. The gun flies out of his hand and clatters as it slides across the floor. He’s stunned, so I throw it back at his face one more time. DOOSH. I catch it again, of course. He’s on the ground now, so I start dribbling on his chest and dunk on him for good measure. DOOSH, DOOSH, DOOOOSH. He’s out cold.
The owner is grateful and tries to pay me for my good deed. I say no thanks and grab a raspberry Slurpee on the way out to take the edge off. It’s delicious.
I hate that I can’t ball while driving and it’s so boring, but whatever, I’m on my way to pick up my girlfriend. She’s not really into sports, but that’s okay because she’s supportive of my passion. Or so I thought.
We’re going to watch a movie. Space Jam II, featuring Lebron James and Bugs Bunny. I love Lebron James, he’s awesome. I’m dressed in the original Space Jam jersey from 1996 for the vibes. I asked my girl to dress like Lola Bunny; she’s hot. But she said no. That kind of bummed me out, but that’s alright, we were gonna watch Space Jam II, anyway.
We’re driving there, and she asks me how my day was. I told her I stopped a robber at a 7/11 with a basketball but she didn’t believe me. I told her I got a free Slurpee out of it, but that still wasn’t enough to convince her. I tried to offer her some, but she didn’t want any. Whatever, her loss.
We make it to the AMC and we’re cuddled up on the big leather seats made for couples. I have a Space Jam II themed popcorn bucket on my lap and my basketball in my left hand. It’s awesome. We finish the movie and it was so good I didn’t even get up to go to the bathroom once.
“What do you wanna do now?” She asks.
“I don’t know.” I say. I do know, but I don’t want to say it.
“Want to get ice cream?”
“Sure.”
She gets a two scoop ice cream cone with rocky road and mint chocolate chip at the Cold Stone Creamery next to the AMC. I get the orange sorbet, because the scoops look like little basketballs. It was so good. I finish faster than her, so I start practicing my drills by the tables outside.
“Do you really need to practice your drills right now?” she says.
“I don’t know.” I say.
“I feel like that’s all you ever do now.”
“I don’t know.” I say, “It’s fun.”
“I should have never taken you to that Orlando Magic game.”
“But it was so fun.”
“I know. But now you’re obsessed.”
“I thought you supported me.”
“I did. But now you’re taking it too far. There’s more to life than just basketball. Plus, you’re not even that good.”
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m practicing.”
It got real quiet, so I started juking people walking by us to practice my offense.
“I think we should see other people,” she said.
“Dang. Really?”
“Yes.”
So we broke up. It really sucked, but whatever, you know? Now I have more time to ball. I’m getting really good now. The other day I didn’t have enough money for food so I started balling at the McDonald’s by my mom’s house and got a free McChicken. It was awesome.
My mom told me to get a job, so I went to the Walmart by her house and applied. They asked me what skills I bring to the table and luckily I had my ball with me, so I started dunking on the hoops by the Sporting Department–DOOSH–and got the job as a greeter. Now I get to ball by the entrance all day and juke people out while I give them stickers with little happy faces. It’s awesome.
I guess the moral of the story should be to follow your dreams or whatever. I’m just gonna keep hooping as long as I can until I can find the Lola to my Bugs Bunny. Haha. That last part was a joke, I guess. Ball is life.
